Jessie’s Wish List

Its Christmastime once again and here are are my wishes, dear old Santa.

1. I wish for a perfect body – that perfect body which makes boys - and well, girls too, give them some chance – drool. They say that when you wish, you might as well wish for the stars because wishing is absolutely free. Another thinker also said that “beauty corrupts, absolute beauty corrupts absolutely.” Or was it power? Whatever. Beauty and power are synonymous anyway, depending on how a person maximizes the quantity of beauty or power he possesses. Definitely I am going back to my old gym. You wait and see.

2. I wish to be a bestselling author, or editor, or ghost writer – whichever is more applicable. Two years ago I ambitiously fought for the publication of a cover story that chronicled the best things that happened to our foundation during the last 18 years. Apparently, everyone was happy with the outcome such that 20th Century Fox expressed ruthless interest to acquire the film rights of my cover story! Actually, the cover story became the inspiration of a monumental coffee table book project that will and should sum up the best of social development. And starting today, I only have two months to put it together. I don’t know what physical laws I am going to defy this time to finish the book on time and to actually produce a Pulitzer-worthy material. I had actually fallen prey to my own uncalculated ambitions. And yet, the challenge is fiercely interesting!

3. I wish for charity and cooperation. This wish is tantamount to asking for world peace, I know. Still, charity and cooperation remain paramount for our nation’s sustainable growth especially now that our nation and the rest of the world are going to face a very tough year ahead. How do we express charity? How do we collectively practice cooperation? I think there are so many ways but just don’t ask me which is the most effective. You could give pencils and textbooks and food to poor children. You could buy proudly Pinoy products. You could vote responsibly. Anything good that is done collectively would eventually bring us somewhere – to a better place, not necessarily perfect, but definitely better than where we are right now.

4. I wish for more time to savor and devour life’s simple yet great pleasures. In my case, and in no particular order, these are my life’s simple yet great pleasures: good literature, good movies, good music, home improvement and home decorating which are also occasions for bonding with my mama and papa, bonding with the people that I grew up most especially my high school friends who are very dear to me, hunting for books and vintage stuff in those second hand shops and bargain black holes, and intimacy and really quality time with my life’s sweet love. The last one - intimacy and really quality time with my life’s sweet love – are what savoring and devouring are all about!

5. I wish for constant physical energy, tolerant mind and unsinkable spirit. There is no written guarantee that life will turn out the way we want it to be. No matter how we prepare our day, something or someone will catch us off guard, most of the time attacking us when we are most defenseless. Energy must be constant so we could rise, shine and get through each brand new or jaded day. The mind must remain tolerant because each one of us is engineered to be unique and some people are just so damned ugly and foul, they are constant pains in our bottoms. And our spirit must be unsinkable, intact at all times. So you are tired and frustrated and you cry. So you are demoralized and angry and you curse the constellations in the heavens for failing to fulfill the good fortunes supposedly due to you today. So your jeepney seatmate is not adorable and not fragrant either and the rest of your day might as well be doomed. So many things could pull you down and before you know it, it’s already rock bottom. Rock bottom must be such a boring place. So you start going up, up and away. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And hotter.

In the pursuit of yellow

According to feng shui, yellow represents spiritual and intellectual activity while harnessing understanding.

In the book Colour for Life by Charles Philips, yellow is also associated with mental activity, with analytical thought and activities of the ego.

In the song song Yellow by Coldplay, Chris Martin crooned these lines to his beloved: Look at the stars / Look how they shine for you / And everything you do / Yeah, they were all yellow.

And of course let us not forget the Fabulous Four’s Yellow Submarine: So we sailed up to the sun / Till we found the sea of green / And we lived beneath the waves / In our yellow submarine.

So what are all these fuss about yellow?

Sometime last October, I embarked on this very short-term project that will ultimately be for the welfare of my own spirit. These past few months, I’ve felt that I easily get stressed - physically, mentally, emotionally. Work is usually the most convenient culprit, although other life complications have contributed to my escalating mental degradation. I’ve started to procrastinate heavily without any semblance of guilt or worry about the long list of harmful events and phenomena that will unfold as a consequence of my procrastination spree.

To make my whining short, I embarked on a creative activity that fueled my mind with passion and rabid enthusiasm – I decided to paint my room. The decision was not a difficult one. For me to really put my life back into good order, I must have a very warm space that would greet me at the very start of each brand new day.

But the enlightened idea of covering my drab, gray walls and ceiling was also peppered with conflicting opinions, most of which came from the interior decorating books that I’ve consulted and eventually befriended. Blue was my first choice because it’s my favorite, but then blue to me is just so… familiar. I thought of green for its calming and relaxing qualities, but I was scared that too much green might promote indolence and I cannot just wake up at 9 a.m. and report to work at past 10 a.m. (although I must admit that this has lately been my fashion statement).

And then I asked myself – how about yellow? I like the Beatles and Coldplay and they both have yellow songs, which were big hits, by the way. Of course, I engage in gazillion mentally stimulating activities inside my room like bring-home work, books, movies and online pornography (oops!) and yellow is said to have the capacity to fire up thoughts, banish drowsiness and foster attentiveness.

Thus Spake Zarathustra, yellow it is! Welcome to my nook.

Thank you so much to my beloved father who did all the painting by himself. Love you, Pop!

The ladies in the framed photo are my three best friends: Jean, my classmate since first year high school, a lawyer, married to her beautiful Ilana; Odyssa, my coffee buddy, a certified public accountant, eternal lover of anything feminine from flowered sandals to butterfly-emblazoned body-hugging blouses, a connosuier of more-than-friends-less-than-lovers life dramas; and Bibi - France and Germany are her playgrounds and she enjoys the best of both worlds (figure it out!).



The homoerotic image is a drawn by a very special friend, Jeffrey; the lampara is a gift from an officemate, my Manito; and the abstract piece is one of those beautiful rare bargains I got from a pre-Sinulog bazaar.






These are prints of Frida Kahlo (my third favorite artist right after Van Gogh and Joni Mitchell) self-portraits (also with her beloved Diego Rivera). The hideous aparador is actually an antique that my mother purchased from a dear neighbor who unfortunately went bankrupt (wihihihi!)

The strongest, the sexiest and the hottest

Shrek , Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lopez were all having lunch together.

Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?

Jennifer Lopez said, 'I'm told I'm the sexiest of them all, but sometimes I wonder.'

Brad Pitt agreed, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the hottest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.'

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to approach the wicked Queen's mirror to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Jennifer Lopez was the sexiest, and Brad Pitt was the hottest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it 's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'

Jennifer Lopez followed and boasted, 'It is true, it has been confirmed that I am the sexiest woman alive!'

Brad Pitt walked in, head bent, tears in his eyes, and asked,"Who in the world is Jessie Cubijano?!?"

Toilet bowl enlightenment 1

Real men wear pink. But when they wear pink, they might not be real men.

On loving and letting go

Leaving a love you've suddenly outgrown can be heartbreaking, but it also shows you're strong enough to walk away from a relationship that no longer makes you happy. Moving out of your comfort zone can be downright scary, but it also shows how brave you are to take on the unknown - stronger, braver, wiser. You always do a little growing up everytime you do a little letting go.

- Oprah

An ex is an ex is an ex. Period.

Billion dollar industries exist to this day because the human race was conjured to believe that one of the real tests of love is when a lover who leaves because of some indigestible reason returns to the one he left behind after some hectic twists and turns in his pathetic suddenly single existence.

Of course I love Mariah Carey’s falsetto “If you should return to me / Then we truly were meant to be” in the song Butterfly from her career’s best album - Butterfly. But an ex is an ex is an ex is an ex. Period. That person should have never turned his un-fabulous back on you.

But I don’t want to have a jaded perspective on this popularly normal, albeit insane, human condition. We forgive and forget because the prodigal lover had to have some “space” - of course the magnitude of the space that he asked for when he uttered his look-I-am-sorry-but-I-really-need-some-space piece was really indefinite, almost infinite. But we are madly in love. We want to be loved and we don’t want to be alone. Emotional molestation is perfectly alright. Be my guest.

But let us just say that our coconut is properly working. The ex attempts to win us back but we have already moved on and we will only run back to his supposedly loving arms if and only if he transforms himself into the youth of Robert Redford circa Barefoot In The Park, The Sting, The Great Gatsby and The Way We Were. Thus Spake Zarathustra, here are some sunshine answers when our ex says…

1. Why did you let me go?

Because our relationship no longer fulfills me.

2. I still love you.

Too bad... for you.

3. When did we last talk?

When I was still insane.

4. Will you go out with me?

If you have some donations for my charity, why not?

5. Hey, can i give you a ride?

In your Lamborghini? Of course assuming that you own one...

6. I cannot keep my promise to you.

You don't have to, it's really unnecessary.

7. My friends say we don't look good together.

You don't look good on me either.

8. You have changed.

Yes. I'm better now.

9. Can we get back together?

May I take that as a compliment?

10. Oh, I know what this is all about. You found someone else.

Yeah. Oh. Don’t tell me you haven’t?

11. Don't you realize? You are the one who hurt me!

Because I thought you were indestructible.

12. How can you forget our memories??

Of course I won't forget those memories. But that's it.

13. I will always love you.

Do yourself a favor. Don't.

Hahahahaha.

Both Sides Now

My clock here says that it’s already 11:45 p.m. I should already be asleep by now. But here I am, navigating the anatomy of my computer keyboard, trying to lament through words, sentences and paragraphs out of the innocent black and white keyboard keys. My life is not really good. It has been bamboozled by too much movies, books, suicidal songs, porn videos and caffeine.

Maybe I should blame it on the brewed coffee that I had with my great friend Odyssa a few hours earlier. Or perhaps the mixture of coffee, ice tea, rice, pizza, pork sisig and chicken inasal induces nihilistic perspectives on life.

Whatever.

Speaking of coffee, one of the random things that Odyssa and I talked about was Joni Mitchell’s classic “Both Sides Now.” The song serenaded Emma Thompson during her heartbreaking moment in the film Love Actually. We both love the song, intensely (in the same way that we both have intense murderous instincts against Sharon Cuneta for her heinous interpretation of the song).

Maturity or growing up or growing older or whatever the human race calls this procedure of life is not necessarily progressive. Conventional wisdom states that experiences and subsequent failures make us better and stronger persons. But more often, the more experience we get, the more failures we unwittingly achieve, the more we get schizophrenic about life. Ms. Mitchell really got it right: I really don’t know life at all.

So here’s my ode to a life that needs a bit of repair.

Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons evrywhere
Ive looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on evryone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

Ive looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its cloud illusions I recall
I really dont know clouds at all

Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As evry fairy tale comes real
Ive looked at love that way

But now its just another show
You leave em laughing when you go
And if you care, dont let them know
Dont give yourself away

Ive looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
Its loves illusions I recall
I really dont know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
Ive looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say Ive changed
Well somethings lost, but somethings gained
In living evry day

Ive looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all
Ive looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all

30-second wisdom

Of how are you’s and kumusta’s

Unless you are Mowgli, which is not at all impossible, many people, and animals too, will walk in an out of your life, and your bedroom, as well. They will do all sorts of insane things to you, whether unconsciously or voluntarily, and you end up crazier than you originally planned or thought yourself would be.

Nevertheless, it is a generally accepted wisdom that our encounters with these citizens of the animal kingdom provide us with priceless opportunities to grow and continuously grow. I am a subscriber of that wisdom too. We cherish our friends and mentors, we try to be forgiving to those who trespassed against us, and of course we try to remember the forgettable ones for the simple reason that we were once acquainted with them.

However, it is an inevitable consequence that some of these people who walked into and out of our life will someday cross our path - and the moment they see us, they instantly ask us this: “How are you?” or its Filipino language equivalent, “Kumusta ka?” And then I become speechless. I automatically lose the proper words that should vibrantly paint a Mona Lisa of the current state of my life.

It is not that I don’t like this “how are you” culture. I think it is a demonstration of affection, tenderness, goodwill. Yet, I think that generic answers like “I’m good,” “I’m okay,” or “I’m alright” are not substantial enough or just damn too convenient. There isn’t enough meat in these two-word statements.

Then of course I simply cannot provide a verbal résumé minus the trainings that I attended and the accomplished characters that I classified as references. That is kind of pompous and the behavior is alien to me – it only looks good on Jack McFarland or Karen Walker. Definitely, I wouldn’t pour my woes, trials and tribulations otherwise I might as well brand myself as an outdoor version of any MMK character. Meanwhile, I wouldn’t be very comfortable declaring my victories because my life is still a work in progress.

Maybe I have too many inhibitions. Maybe I am just neurotic. Or maybe I just don’t have the cash to buy my long-lost-now-found friend a brewed coffee or frapuccino, which are essential elements of a meaningful “How are you?” session. I just don’t know.

______

Of wits and some glamour/beauty

I hate it that I am not really witty. If I were witty, maybe I wouldn’t just dumbly say “I’am okay” every time somebody fires the “How are you?” question at me.

I think this apparent lack of wit sustains my fascination with the Miss Universe beauty pageant. Ever since my first Miss U in 1990 (I was 10 and Mona Grundt of Norway became the last European so far to have won the coveted crown – 2002’s Oxana Fedorova of Russia was unfortunately dethroned and I learned from high school that Russia is part of Asia), I am always glued to the screen during the interview rounds (speaking of interview portions, I liked it better in the 90’s when all semi-finalists really gets tested intellectually). Inasmuch as the evening gown competition sparks my creative nature, it is really the interview round that I root for.

This must be because I am in dire need of the wits possessed by the glamorous queens themselves. 30 seconds were all they had to convince the universe that they are the sweetest things. Thus spake zarathustra, by far the best winning Miss U answers:


Question
Right now there is a protest going on right outside here calling the Miss Universe beauty pageant disrespectful of women. Convince them that they’re wrong.

Miss U 2000, Lara Dutta of India
I think pageants like the Miss Universe pageant gives us young women a platform to foray into the field that we want to and forge ahead, be it entrepreneurship, be it the armed forces, be it politics. It gives us the platform to voice our choices and opinions that makes us strong and independent that we are today.




Question
If there were no rules in your life for one day and you could be outrageous, what would you do?

Miss U 1997, Brook Lee of USA
I would eat. Everything. In the world. You do not understand. I would everything twice.








Question
What do you think men can learn from women?

Miss U 1996, Alicia Machado of Venezuela
I believe that they can learn very much because thanks to us women, the men are here in this beautiful theatre seeing this beautiful contest and applauding me because I am a beautiful woman.

Best "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Replies

This one is hilarious. Surgically removed from my email inbox to be preserved, for posterity, in the best blog in the world - my blog. Wihihihihi.

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

11: I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of ' Lloyd.'

For the love of the birds

It was Monday, the 7th of January, the year of the earth rat.

Three MP’s went to Olango Island in Cebu for some world peace thing - pretty boys Bernz, Ozzie and Jessie. Hihihi.

It was a cloudy, rainy day; a typhoon is soon to happen somewhere.

They were on their way to Pangan-an Elementary School to spread world peace when they were caught by another chapter of the morning’s rain.

It was a long chapter of rain, so much like the unnumbered sections of Gabriel Garcia Marquez’ Love In The Time of Cholera, of course minus the convoluted romance.

They were stranded in this shed located along Pangan-an Island’s shore.

They had no other choice but to explore each other’s anatomy until the rain will subside.

Hahahaha. Just kidding.

They were in Olango to spread joy and peace, not to fertilize its soils with their queer seed.

But they were amazed at the images and inscriptions that greeted them when they crossed the shed’s threshold – the hieroglyphics of the islanders’ psyche.

For a moment, Jessie imagined himself as the dying Katharine Clifton who explores the cave wall’s paintings as she waits for the return of her lover, László de Almásy, in the movie The English Patient.

But they were in Olango Island and not in some African dessert.

When they saw the writings and inscriptions on the ceiling and the walls, a sense of profoundness and understanding struck them.

These people who live in this place – a place which is of course famed for its vast wetlands that annually host thousands of migratory birds from as far as China, Japan and Siberia – are really into birds.

It’s amazing.

The people of Olango simply love birds.

In the same way that the pretty MPs do.

A Day in the Life of Bernz, Ghary, Jessie and Ozzie

Help comes in many versions and sizes. Help is a moving and visible interpretation of one’s genuine care or concern. In whatever way, the help that one extends ripples to these - ease the burdens of the persons in need, dispel that feeling of neglect or loneliness among the less fortunate.

Last year, around March or April, while I was aimlessly surfing the net, I stumbled upon a bunch of quiet special guys, or shall I say men, called the MP’s or Mga Palautog. There are around 5,000 of them actually. But I only got to know around 20 or so, and I am not exactly sure if the traits and qualities of these 20+ men are statistically representative of the group’s entire membership. (Utog, by the way, is Visayan for erection, hence to be a palautog is to be somebody who engages in specific acts that promote or encourage erection. In my observation, to be a palautog is human nature, although not everyone would willingly or outrightly admit to this.)

Nevertheless, the important thing is that I hang out with these newfound friends once in a while, and there are those whom I have friendly affections because of our online communication - chats, conferences, ka-churvahans, ka-eklatans. The group, like many other groups, is also a melting pot of diverse, enigmatic, distinct, and sometimes disturbing masculine-feminine urges. Fortunately, charity is one of the group’s essential qualities, and fueled by the so-called charitable urge, the Olango Island children’s education project came into fruition.

The project is one of the profound, life-affirming outputs of our rowdy yet intelligent, malevolent yet well-informed, socio-political conferences via Yahoo Messenger. The minds in the said conferences are Rosa Rosal, Marjory Smith, AnnQ (who joined towards the end of 2007), and yours truly, Oxana Fedorova.

The brain behind the project was Rosa Rosal – not the frail old woman in the famous television show KKMK (Kapwa Ko, Mahal Ko), but the piping engineer who is currently working in Japan. Rosa Rosal, popularly known as Bernz Corr, is one very enlightened guy and he envisions a world governed by peace and selflessness. He thought that he could contribute to world peace by sharing his fortune in Yen.

Enter Marjory Smith, an economist and a former Miss Universe titleholder who is now based in New York. He too shares Rosa’s vision and he thought that we could help create a more empowered Filipino citizenry by investing on the education of the children.

Oxana Fedorova could carry out the wishes of Marjory and Rosa. Oxana, or simply Jessie, is a Cebu-based employee of a social development organization. He enumerated some workable strategies that were well received by Marjory and Rosa. The plans were already laid down when AnnQ became the fourth corner of the group. Her expressions of support to the project were indirect but nevertheless very meaningful – she provided the usual encouragement and the steady supply of men who willingly strips and does their thingies on cam. These men, subsequently, propel the surge of creativity.

After months of planning and deliberation, Rosa and Marjory’s gifts reached 100 Grades 1 and 2 school children in Pangan-an Elementary School, Olango Island. Olango is located five kilometers off Mactan Island in Cebu. Although Olango is a haven for migratory birds that travel from as far as China, Japan and Siberia, poverty is everywhere because of many reasons, among them is the intense degradation of its marine resources due to years of irresponsible fishing and household practices. Because of poverty, the children of Olango are most affected since they don’t have access to many basic things – nutritious food, health services, potable water, good education, and so much more. The school supplies and books given to the children may not necessarily remove the day-to-day misery in their homes. But perhaps, these little gifts could teach them the value of education and somehow tell them that help will always be available if they persevere.

What we give to others, we also give to ourselves.

P.S. Special thanks to my two officemates, Riva and Rey for bringing us to Pangan-an in Olango. And also to Ozzieboi, also a Palautog, for braving and surviving the heavy rain, among other trials and tribulations last January 7!