An ex is an ex is an ex. Period.

Billion dollar industries exist to this day because the human race was conjured to believe that one of the real tests of love is when a lover who leaves because of some indigestible reason returns to the one he left behind after some hectic twists and turns in his pathetic suddenly single existence.

Of course I love Mariah Carey’s falsetto “If you should return to me / Then we truly were meant to be” in the song Butterfly from her career’s best album - Butterfly. But an ex is an ex is an ex is an ex. Period. That person should have never turned his un-fabulous back on you.

But I don’t want to have a jaded perspective on this popularly normal, albeit insane, human condition. We forgive and forget because the prodigal lover had to have some “space” - of course the magnitude of the space that he asked for when he uttered his look-I-am-sorry-but-I-really-need-some-space piece was really indefinite, almost infinite. But we are madly in love. We want to be loved and we don’t want to be alone. Emotional molestation is perfectly alright. Be my guest.

But let us just say that our coconut is properly working. The ex attempts to win us back but we have already moved on and we will only run back to his supposedly loving arms if and only if he transforms himself into the youth of Robert Redford circa Barefoot In The Park, The Sting, The Great Gatsby and The Way We Were. Thus Spake Zarathustra, here are some sunshine answers when our ex says…

1. Why did you let me go?

Because our relationship no longer fulfills me.

2. I still love you.

Too bad... for you.

3. When did we last talk?

When I was still insane.

4. Will you go out with me?

If you have some donations for my charity, why not?

5. Hey, can i give you a ride?

In your Lamborghini? Of course assuming that you own one...

6. I cannot keep my promise to you.

You don't have to, it's really unnecessary.

7. My friends say we don't look good together.

You don't look good on me either.

8. You have changed.

Yes. I'm better now.

9. Can we get back together?

May I take that as a compliment?

10. Oh, I know what this is all about. You found someone else.

Yeah. Oh. Don’t tell me you haven’t?

11. Don't you realize? You are the one who hurt me!

Because I thought you were indestructible.

12. How can you forget our memories??

Of course I won't forget those memories. But that's it.

13. I will always love you.

Do yourself a favor. Don't.

Hahahahaha.