Both Sides Now

My clock here says that it’s already 11:45 p.m. I should already be asleep by now. But here I am, navigating the anatomy of my computer keyboard, trying to lament through words, sentences and paragraphs out of the innocent black and white keyboard keys. My life is not really good. It has been bamboozled by too much movies, books, suicidal songs, porn videos and caffeine.

Maybe I should blame it on the brewed coffee that I had with my great friend Odyssa a few hours earlier. Or perhaps the mixture of coffee, ice tea, rice, pizza, pork sisig and chicken inasal induces nihilistic perspectives on life.

Whatever.

Speaking of coffee, one of the random things that Odyssa and I talked about was Joni Mitchell’s classic “Both Sides Now.” The song serenaded Emma Thompson during her heartbreaking moment in the film Love Actually. We both love the song, intensely (in the same way that we both have intense murderous instincts against Sharon Cuneta for her heinous interpretation of the song).

Maturity or growing up or growing older or whatever the human race calls this procedure of life is not necessarily progressive. Conventional wisdom states that experiences and subsequent failures make us better and stronger persons. But more often, the more experience we get, the more failures we unwittingly achieve, the more we get schizophrenic about life. Ms. Mitchell really got it right: I really don’t know life at all.

So here’s my ode to a life that needs a bit of repair.

Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons evrywhere
Ive looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on evryone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

Ive looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its cloud illusions I recall
I really dont know clouds at all

Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As evry fairy tale comes real
Ive looked at love that way

But now its just another show
You leave em laughing when you go
And if you care, dont let them know
Dont give yourself away

Ive looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
Its loves illusions I recall
I really dont know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
Ive looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say Ive changed
Well somethings lost, but somethings gained
In living evry day

Ive looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all
Ive looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all

30-second wisdom

Of how are you’s and kumusta’s

Unless you are Mowgli, which is not at all impossible, many people, and animals too, will walk in an out of your life, and your bedroom, as well. They will do all sorts of insane things to you, whether unconsciously or voluntarily, and you end up crazier than you originally planned or thought yourself would be.

Nevertheless, it is a generally accepted wisdom that our encounters with these citizens of the animal kingdom provide us with priceless opportunities to grow and continuously grow. I am a subscriber of that wisdom too. We cherish our friends and mentors, we try to be forgiving to those who trespassed against us, and of course we try to remember the forgettable ones for the simple reason that we were once acquainted with them.

However, it is an inevitable consequence that some of these people who walked into and out of our life will someday cross our path - and the moment they see us, they instantly ask us this: “How are you?” or its Filipino language equivalent, “Kumusta ka?” And then I become speechless. I automatically lose the proper words that should vibrantly paint a Mona Lisa of the current state of my life.

It is not that I don’t like this “how are you” culture. I think it is a demonstration of affection, tenderness, goodwill. Yet, I think that generic answers like “I’m good,” “I’m okay,” or “I’m alright” are not substantial enough or just damn too convenient. There isn’t enough meat in these two-word statements.

Then of course I simply cannot provide a verbal résumé minus the trainings that I attended and the accomplished characters that I classified as references. That is kind of pompous and the behavior is alien to me – it only looks good on Jack McFarland or Karen Walker. Definitely, I wouldn’t pour my woes, trials and tribulations otherwise I might as well brand myself as an outdoor version of any MMK character. Meanwhile, I wouldn’t be very comfortable declaring my victories because my life is still a work in progress.

Maybe I have too many inhibitions. Maybe I am just neurotic. Or maybe I just don’t have the cash to buy my long-lost-now-found friend a brewed coffee or frapuccino, which are essential elements of a meaningful “How are you?” session. I just don’t know.

______

Of wits and some glamour/beauty

I hate it that I am not really witty. If I were witty, maybe I wouldn’t just dumbly say “I’am okay” every time somebody fires the “How are you?” question at me.

I think this apparent lack of wit sustains my fascination with the Miss Universe beauty pageant. Ever since my first Miss U in 1990 (I was 10 and Mona Grundt of Norway became the last European so far to have won the coveted crown – 2002’s Oxana Fedorova of Russia was unfortunately dethroned and I learned from high school that Russia is part of Asia), I am always glued to the screen during the interview rounds (speaking of interview portions, I liked it better in the 90’s when all semi-finalists really gets tested intellectually). Inasmuch as the evening gown competition sparks my creative nature, it is really the interview round that I root for.

This must be because I am in dire need of the wits possessed by the glamorous queens themselves. 30 seconds were all they had to convince the universe that they are the sweetest things. Thus spake zarathustra, by far the best winning Miss U answers:


Question
Right now there is a protest going on right outside here calling the Miss Universe beauty pageant disrespectful of women. Convince them that they’re wrong.

Miss U 2000, Lara Dutta of India
I think pageants like the Miss Universe pageant gives us young women a platform to foray into the field that we want to and forge ahead, be it entrepreneurship, be it the armed forces, be it politics. It gives us the platform to voice our choices and opinions that makes us strong and independent that we are today.




Question
If there were no rules in your life for one day and you could be outrageous, what would you do?

Miss U 1997, Brook Lee of USA
I would eat. Everything. In the world. You do not understand. I would everything twice.








Question
What do you think men can learn from women?

Miss U 1996, Alicia Machado of Venezuela
I believe that they can learn very much because thanks to us women, the men are here in this beautiful theatre seeing this beautiful contest and applauding me because I am a beautiful woman.