Best "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Replies

This one is hilarious. Surgically removed from my email inbox to be preserved, for posterity, in the best blog in the world - my blog. Wihihihihi.

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

11: I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of ' Lloyd.'

For the love of the birds

It was Monday, the 7th of January, the year of the earth rat.

Three MP’s went to Olango Island in Cebu for some world peace thing - pretty boys Bernz, Ozzie and Jessie. Hihihi.

It was a cloudy, rainy day; a typhoon is soon to happen somewhere.

They were on their way to Pangan-an Elementary School to spread world peace when they were caught by another chapter of the morning’s rain.

It was a long chapter of rain, so much like the unnumbered sections of Gabriel Garcia Marquez’ Love In The Time of Cholera, of course minus the convoluted romance.

They were stranded in this shed located along Pangan-an Island’s shore.

They had no other choice but to explore each other’s anatomy until the rain will subside.

Hahahaha. Just kidding.

They were in Olango to spread joy and peace, not to fertilize its soils with their queer seed.

But they were amazed at the images and inscriptions that greeted them when they crossed the shed’s threshold – the hieroglyphics of the islanders’ psyche.

For a moment, Jessie imagined himself as the dying Katharine Clifton who explores the cave wall’s paintings as she waits for the return of her lover, László de Almásy, in the movie The English Patient.

But they were in Olango Island and not in some African dessert.

When they saw the writings and inscriptions on the ceiling and the walls, a sense of profoundness and understanding struck them.

These people who live in this place – a place which is of course famed for its vast wetlands that annually host thousands of migratory birds from as far as China, Japan and Siberia – are really into birds.

It’s amazing.

The people of Olango simply love birds.

In the same way that the pretty MPs do.

A Day in the Life of Bernz, Ghary, Jessie and Ozzie

Help comes in many versions and sizes. Help is a moving and visible interpretation of one’s genuine care or concern. In whatever way, the help that one extends ripples to these - ease the burdens of the persons in need, dispel that feeling of neglect or loneliness among the less fortunate.

Last year, around March or April, while I was aimlessly surfing the net, I stumbled upon a bunch of quiet special guys, or shall I say men, called the MP’s or Mga Palautog. There are around 5,000 of them actually. But I only got to know around 20 or so, and I am not exactly sure if the traits and qualities of these 20+ men are statistically representative of the group’s entire membership. (Utog, by the way, is Visayan for erection, hence to be a palautog is to be somebody who engages in specific acts that promote or encourage erection. In my observation, to be a palautog is human nature, although not everyone would willingly or outrightly admit to this.)

Nevertheless, the important thing is that I hang out with these newfound friends once in a while, and there are those whom I have friendly affections because of our online communication - chats, conferences, ka-churvahans, ka-eklatans. The group, like many other groups, is also a melting pot of diverse, enigmatic, distinct, and sometimes disturbing masculine-feminine urges. Fortunately, charity is one of the group’s essential qualities, and fueled by the so-called charitable urge, the Olango Island children’s education project came into fruition.

The project is one of the profound, life-affirming outputs of our rowdy yet intelligent, malevolent yet well-informed, socio-political conferences via Yahoo Messenger. The minds in the said conferences are Rosa Rosal, Marjory Smith, AnnQ (who joined towards the end of 2007), and yours truly, Oxana Fedorova.

The brain behind the project was Rosa Rosal – not the frail old woman in the famous television show KKMK (Kapwa Ko, Mahal Ko), but the piping engineer who is currently working in Japan. Rosa Rosal, popularly known as Bernz Corr, is one very enlightened guy and he envisions a world governed by peace and selflessness. He thought that he could contribute to world peace by sharing his fortune in Yen.

Enter Marjory Smith, an economist and a former Miss Universe titleholder who is now based in New York. He too shares Rosa’s vision and he thought that we could help create a more empowered Filipino citizenry by investing on the education of the children.

Oxana Fedorova could carry out the wishes of Marjory and Rosa. Oxana, or simply Jessie, is a Cebu-based employee of a social development organization. He enumerated some workable strategies that were well received by Marjory and Rosa. The plans were already laid down when AnnQ became the fourth corner of the group. Her expressions of support to the project were indirect but nevertheless very meaningful – she provided the usual encouragement and the steady supply of men who willingly strips and does their thingies on cam. These men, subsequently, propel the surge of creativity.

After months of planning and deliberation, Rosa and Marjory’s gifts reached 100 Grades 1 and 2 school children in Pangan-an Elementary School, Olango Island. Olango is located five kilometers off Mactan Island in Cebu. Although Olango is a haven for migratory birds that travel from as far as China, Japan and Siberia, poverty is everywhere because of many reasons, among them is the intense degradation of its marine resources due to years of irresponsible fishing and household practices. Because of poverty, the children of Olango are most affected since they don’t have access to many basic things – nutritious food, health services, potable water, good education, and so much more. The school supplies and books given to the children may not necessarily remove the day-to-day misery in their homes. But perhaps, these little gifts could teach them the value of education and somehow tell them that help will always be available if they persevere.

What we give to others, we also give to ourselves.

P.S. Special thanks to my two officemates, Riva and Rey for bringing us to Pangan-an in Olango. And also to Ozzieboi, also a Palautog, for braving and surviving the heavy rain, among other trials and tribulations last January 7!