1. Anakin Skywalker and Queen/Senator Padme Amidala’s love is forbidden because Anakin is destined for another groundbreaking relationship – that with mentor and master Obi Wan Kenobi. The midi-chlorians in Anakin’s cells are receptive to the male and female sexes. The Jedi council has foreseen very controversial consequences as results of Anakin’s emotional entanglements during his youth. If Anakin were to fall insanely in love with a female species, he would be converted to the dark side. Only a requited love – a love from another Jedi - would bring balance to the Force. However, the Jedi Council would not also allow this because…
2. …the Jedi knights are closet queens. A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, the Jedi knights were celebrated as protectors of the republic. However, the empire is characterized by widespread homophobia that’s why it was so goddamn difficult for the Jedi’s to be “out.” Hence, the Jedi’s strictly observe a code that forbids them from nurturing emotional relationships. This way, the Jedi’s apparent lack of interest in women would be justified and society would not become suspicious of them.
3. The Force makes itself available only to hardcore gays or lesbians. Heterosexuals, whether human or alien, doesn’t have the ability to feel and experience the Force. Those who embrace the Force, though remaining secretive about it, become Jedi’s. All Jedi’s are good citizens and they continually foster justice, peace, beauty and glamour in the republic. Trivia: do you know that the techno lights, which are so popular in gay places like clubs and disco bars, were actually based on the light sabers used by the Jedi’s?
4. Princess Leia is a lesbian. Leia’s ability to establish connection with twin brother, Luke Skywalker, even though he is gazillion miles or light years away, are indicators that the Force is also strong in her. In fact, her uncanny abilities to combat troops of droids already gave her away. In an amazing fight sequence in Episode VI: The Return of the Jedi, specifically the hot pursuit in the Ewok forest, Leia could very well be a dyke on a bike! And of course, through R2D2, she urgently pleads for the help of no less than the old flame of his father – Obi Wan Kenobi! Though the identity of his father was still unknown to her, the Force was already that strong.
5. There are many, however, who have the ability to feel and communicate with the Force but cannot accept the staggering fact of their homosexuality - they are the homophobics. By using the Force for corrupt and destructive purposes, the homophobics become the Siths. Darth Lord Siddious, the powerful Sith warrior who is bent on destroying the Jedi’s, clouded Anakin’s mind. He was successful, and Anakin and Obi Wan Kenobi’s desire for each other was doomed forever. Trivia: There was a rumor, apparently from the all-male army of the Dark Lord, that Anakin’s lower extremities were badly destroyed following the thrilling swordfight between him and Obi Wan in Episode III, The Revenge of the Sith. Because his organ is irreplaceable, the Dark Lord made Anakin trans-gendered. But then again, this is just a rumor ng mga chismosang bakleta in the armed forces.
6. At present, 2006, the Force is still with us. It is now called Gaydar. Hence, our greetings and fond affections to our fellow gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgendered, as well as straights, should be this: “May the Gaydar be with you!”
7. Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” was originally written and composed for Star Wars to be played during the closing credits in all six episodes. But George Lucas feared widespread boycott by the homophobic viewing public because the song was just too pop and too flamboyant. Thus, he commissioned the services of John Williams, a musician more inclined towards the classical genre. John Williams, of course, remains as one of the modern masters of classical music. “I Will Survive” on the other hand, is hailed as the ultimate gay anthem in the past three decades.
8. The Star Wars saga is in fact based on J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings – another fantasy saga that has a gay undercurrent. You might argue, “Hey, LOTR was only released in 2002 whereas George Lucas’ Star Wars was already embraced by the world way back in 1977!” In that case, you are a stupid, illiterate and misinformed dork. The introduction of Tolkien’s LOTR trilogy, The Hobbit, was already devoured by the reading public as early as 1937. Even Gone With The Wind was yet to be shown in America at this time. Apparently, George Lucas was so moved by the special relationship between the ring-bearer Frodo Baggins and his willing companion, fellow-hobbit Samwise Gamgee, that he brought their unique love story from the middle earth to space!
9. C-3PO is actually a parlor gay robot! You must understand that Barbie dolls were not yet popular girl and gay toys a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away. The strength of the Force in Anakin, although he was still a child, enabled him to create a droid/plaything that would also help them in their household chores. Alas! C-3PO is a very soft spoken droid. He even sways when he walks. And he speaks six million languages. Of course, you might slap me with hateful words, “You are very stereotypical! You should be burned at the stakes!” But in case you haven’t noticed, soft speech, the swaying of the hips and linguistic inventiveness are characteristics of typical parlorista’s!
10. Han Solo is NOT gay! If he were, then there is no reason for everybody else to be not gay and all the inhabitants of the republic might as well be Jedi’s. There were two incidents wherein Han Solo saved the life of Luke Skywalker, specifically the rescues from the Death Star explosion and the ice-storm in episodes IV and V, respectively. Because of these, the gay community might just applaud the blossoming relationship of Han Solo and Luke Skywalker. But the idea is preposterous! Han Solo is just a hunk who happens to be a good pilot. That’s all. In fact, his Millennium Falcon is synonymous with the Ferrari’s and Harley’s that are treated by modern men as their babies. The Force or the Gaydar is non-existent in him. The tender jealousy he displays, which was his unconscious reaction to the bond between Luke and Princess Leia, were no less than expressions of sincere love and devotion. Pare, men fall madly in love too, you know. ‘Di lang mga bading ang napa-praning sa pag-ibig noh!
DISCLAIMER: This is just a spoof. This is not intended to mar the fabulous reputation of the Star Wars saga. Kumpareng George naman, friends tayo, di vah? Alam mo namang luuvv na luuvv ko ang Star Wars mo!
